Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Can this be me?

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We went to our little creek today.  The kids had been asking to go in their swim suits (the photos here are obviously from a  different day as the kids are in regular clothes).  I would have thought it would be too cold, but they had the best time.  I brought a book, no camera and just relaxed and enjoyed their laughing, splashing and the solitude that come from being immersed in a book even while in the midst of childish chaos.

A few weeks ago our school calendar came in the mail, and I filled in the events into my own calendar.  I passed right by the New Kindergarten Parent meeting in December without blinking. 

The next day Adam mentioned it, he said, "Can you believe the New Kindergarten Parent meeting is in December?"  I said, "Yeah......(imagine blank stare)......Wait--that's US!"

Then I sat there dumbfounded.

Then I think I may have desperately mentioned the idea of us having another kid.  Adam looked at me like I had just lost my mind.  It's possible he even said out loud, "Have you lost your mind?"

Then I think I might have cried just a bit.

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I am not the first mom to have this happen to her.  I've read about it all over the blogdigity this week about mama's shedding a discreet tear as they drop their last one off at Kindergarten.  Or the moms that manage to hold it together till they can rush themselves back to the car.  Then they have a good old fashioned pity party and bawl-fest that they have just handed their last baby to some stranger who will have them more hours of the day than their own mothers.  It's out there, people! 

I have one more year with Puck at home.  And the sentimental part of me (which, I'm the first to admit is far too big as it is) wants to look at everything as a "last" of some sort with him. 

Example:  This is the last time he will stay home with me while his brother and sister head off into the wild blue yonder that is school.

Or:  This is the last year he and I will get ready for the Halloween parade at school at home and then go "visit" the big kids in school.  Next year, he will be a big kid.

The sentimental part of me wants to clutch him tight, kiss his little round face and engage in disgusting baby talk conversations all day long.

Then the practical side of me gets a hold of that silly sentimental self, gives her a nice hard shake, maybe even says those two words I won't allow my kids to say:  Shut up!



So, the question arises.  If I consider myself a teacher by trade, and by that, I mean I have a certificate that at one time would allow me to teach several children at the same time if someone wanted to hire me to do that, but I've been a stay-at-home mom for the past 10 years, what does that make me now?  Oh, sure I've taught in classrooms over the past several years, have been tutoring privately and am my own kids teacher.  But, what does that make me when my own kids aren't around all day anymore

You might think I'm crazy.  You might be saying, Get a grip!  Does the word freedom ring a bell with you anymore?

And you might be right.  And I'm trying to grasp that, trying to figure out just what that makes me.  Can that person, the woman who can voluteer without a little one on the hip, the mom who can have coffee with another mom without breaking conversation every two minutes to answer some all-important-life-changing question like "where is my juice?", a person who could actually go for a run without having a full entourage on bikes, can that person be.......me?

Are you pondering this question yourself?  Have you already reached this point in your mommyhood and are now shaking your head at this poor, silly mama? 

If so, can you come over for coffee?
Bring the tissues.  That sentimental side is pretty sneaky and she just might pay a short visit.

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